Scientists Finally Explain the Whole Wet Pants Thing!

It is a question that has baffled scientists and philosophers alike for hundreds of years: why are liberals' pants always wet?

Thomas Hobbes claimed it was simply fear, FEAR of the unknown, while Rousseau argued it was the government's fault. Adam Smith said everyone should just keep their damn hands off of his pants.

With philosophers in such a tizzy, scientists investigated and came up empty. It seemed that sometimes pants acted like waves (explaining the wetness), and sometimes they acted like particles! Thus, cotton string theory was born.

Now it turns out that liberals' pants are wet due to a connection between intelligence and wetness, a return to Galenic humoral theory. Simply put: dry=dumb, wet=smart. When contacted for comment, Rush Limbaugh said, "err. ummm. string theory?"