Thursday, April 1, 2010
Today's Survey Question
When travelling at a subsonic speed during the last one hour of hypersleep, which vector of the Romulan Nebula will suffer the wrath of the impenetrable quickening? And for extra points, how many wraths to the nearest moulton? Be specific, this is a real question.
Scientists Finally Explain the Whole Wet Pants Thing!
It is a question that has baffled scientists and philosophers alike for hundreds of years: why are liberals' pants always wet?
Thomas Hobbes claimed it was simply fear, FEAR of the unknown, while Rousseau argued it was the government's fault. Adam Smith said everyone should just keep their damn hands off of his pants.
With philosophers in such a tizzy, scientists investigated and came up empty. It seemed that sometimes pants acted like waves (explaining the wetness), and sometimes they acted like particles! Thus, cotton string theory was born.
Now it turns out that liberals' pants are wet due to a connection between intelligence and wetness, a return to Galenic humoral theory. Simply put: dry=dumb, wet=smart. When contacted for comment, Rush Limbaugh said, "err. ummm. string theory?"
PLEASE HELP LOST KIMODO DRAGON GET HOME!!
Tro,
I am hoping that you can help me. Cuddles is a 16 year old Kimodo Dragon with a heart of gold. He was last seen in the vicinity of Ameilia's Kinder Care day care center on Beaglin Park Drive. He has not eaten recently. Please help us get our little Cuddles back to his family who love him very much.
Signed,
Destiny, Braiden, Caiden, Jayden, Hunter, Shiloh, and Steve and Maggie Sneldon.
Salisbury Mayor Announces Slum Property of the Week!
By Laura D'Abando, special to the Daily GrimesMayor Jim Ireton announced the latest SPOTW today, April 1 2010.
"This house has been a constant nuisance," claimed Ireton, in a tone that suggested he was not trustworthy. "Balloons everywhere, little kids getting trapped on porches, and an apparent hazard for cub scouts," yelled the mayor aggressively to this reporter.
A random citizen asked to respond to the mayor's claim declared "Nonsense!" This random citizen, Landlord McGee, pointed out convincingly that the mayor just hates people. Especially old, defenseless people with balloons on their house.
When asked for his reaction, the home's owner said "Bah! I'm going to fly away and look for an exotic bird near a waterfall!"
One Year Ago Today
As if we needed any more proof that the feline alcohol epidemic is completely out of control in this town, on this day I practically tripped over this in which cat in which folks, this is serious stuff. If you think I'm kidding your WRONG. WAKE UP PEOPLE.
PETA Joins Tea Parties!
In a surprise move, PETA announced its support for the Tea Party."We really love their message of reptile rights," said Mortimer Stapletonn, Director of Public Outreach for PETA. "While the Democrats and Republicans have for too long ignored or even expressed outright revulsion for snakes, the Tea Party has publicly embraced our reptile family members as a symbol of their movement."
When asked for a response, Joseph Seispack, the Tea Party's Director of Vermin Relations, said "PETA? What the hell is a PETA? Some kinda foreign food?"
Glenn Beck, Ahmadinejad Join Dancing With the Stars!
ABC announced today the first same sex couple ever for "Dancing with the Stars" will be Glenn Beck and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. "We are really excited to be able to get these gentlemen to join our show," said ABC's Walter Johnson, director of same-sex programming. "Ever since Ricky Martin stunned the world by coming out of the closet, other celebrities have been jumping on the bandwagon."
Through tears, lots of tears, Glenn Beck stated, "I love my country. I'm a patriot. I really, really, really love my country. I really do. Really. Love it."Mr. Ahmadinejad could not be reached for comment, but issued a statement: "Glenn and I are thrilled to be able to join such a fine example of American capitalism and cultural supremacy. If we can get a cat sitter, we'll be at every episode. I can't wait to show you the Iranian lambada, no longer the forbidden dance since 2004."
Increasing Number Of Parents Opting To Have Children School-Homed
WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Education, an increasing number of American parents are choosing to have their children raised at school rather than at home.
Deputy Education Secretary Anthony W. Miller said that many parents who school-home find U.S. households to be frightening, overwhelming environments for their children, and feel that they are just not conducive to producing well-rounded members of society.
Thousands of mothers and fathers polled in the study also believe that those running American homes cannot be trusted to keep their kids safe.
"Every year more parents are finding that their homes are not equipped to instill the right values in their children," Miller said. "When it comes to important life skills such as proper nutrition, safe sex, and even basic socialization, a growing number of mothers and fathers think it's better to rely on educators to guide and nurture their kids."
"And really, who can blame them?" Miller continued. "American homes have let down our nation's youth time and again in almost every imaginable respect."
According to the report, children raised at home were less likely to receive individual adult attention, and were often subjected to ineffective and wildly inconsistent disciplinary measures. The study also found that many parents expressed concerns that, when at home, their children were being teased and bullied by those older than themselves.
In addition to providing better supervision and overall direction, school-homing has become popular among mothers and fathers who just want to be less involved in the day-to-day lives of their children.
"Parents are finding creative ways to make this increasingly common child-rearing track work," Miller said. "Whether it's over-relying on after-school programs and extracurricular activities, or simply gross neglect,† school-homing is becoming a widely accepted method of bringing children up."
Despite the trend's growing popularity, Miller said that school programs are often jeopardized or terminated because shortsighted individuals vote against tax increases intended to boost educational spending.
"The terrifying reality we're facing is that the worst-equipped people you could possibly imagine may actually be forced to take care of their children," Miller said.
GO HERE to read more.
Deputy Education Secretary Anthony W. Miller said that many parents who school-home find U.S. households to be frightening, overwhelming environments for their children, and feel that they are just not conducive to producing well-rounded members of society.
Thousands of mothers and fathers polled in the study also believe that those running American homes cannot be trusted to keep their kids safe.
"Every year more parents are finding that their homes are not equipped to instill the right values in their children," Miller said. "When it comes to important life skills such as proper nutrition, safe sex, and even basic socialization, a growing number of mothers and fathers think it's better to rely on educators to guide and nurture their kids."
"And really, who can blame them?" Miller continued. "American homes have let down our nation's youth time and again in almost every imaginable respect."
According to the report, children raised at home were less likely to receive individual adult attention, and were often subjected to ineffective and wildly inconsistent disciplinary measures. The study also found that many parents expressed concerns that, when at home, their children were being teased and bullied by those older than themselves.
In addition to providing better supervision and overall direction, school-homing has become popular among mothers and fathers who just want to be less involved in the day-to-day lives of their children.
"Parents are finding creative ways to make this increasingly common child-rearing track work," Miller said. "Whether it's over-relying on after-school programs and extracurricular activities, or simply gross neglect,† school-homing is becoming a widely accepted method of bringing children up."
Despite the trend's growing popularity, Miller said that school programs are often jeopardized or terminated because shortsighted individuals vote against tax increases intended to boost educational spending.
"The terrifying reality we're facing is that the worst-equipped people you could possibly imagine may actually be forced to take care of their children," Miller said.
GO HERE to read more.
Newly Discovered Painting Proves Dear Leader Was IN FACT Jonathan Swift
And thus the proud Democratic tradition of eating babies. Folks, this is a true story.
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